the honeymooners

when liz and i booked our vacation it dawned on us that this would be the most romantic trip either of us had ever been on. it was basically a honeymoon. Lake Como, the Italian Riviera, Venice!? now we could've been depressed and frustrated to be in these super romantic places with each other instead of someone we were actually attracted to... but not us. we decided to embrace the romance.

Como was a destination for couples celebrating anniversaries, reigniting the passion, or starting their lives together. by our last night in Como, the romance bug had bitten us. it was time to give into the beauty that surrounded us. we decided to have dinner right on the lake. we location scouted the perfect restaurant with water views, ordered up 2 glasses of red wine, some taglietelle bolognese and lasagna and took it all in. within moments, the waiter brought over watery red wine, microwaveable meals in plastic trays and some stale bread. my heart fluttered.



after our incredible meal, we went to the highly recommended Villa D'Este for a cocktail. i would say this is probably THE MOST romantic hotel around Como for people who are truly rolling in it. we put on our best dresses and tried to blend in at the bar. which, of course, we didn't since we were the only same sex "couple" in the room. after getting our glasses of 18EU prosecco (that's per person) the piano player started serenading us with tunes like Human Nature, the Theme from Ice Castles, and my personal favorite: Chariots of Fire. talk about romantic!

the next day when we arrived at our hotel in Rapallo we were encouraged by the front desk clerk to make reservations for dinner at their Roof Garden restaurant with "breathtaking views of the Riviera." we got all prettied up and headed into the restaurant to have it even more romantic than we could've hoped for. we were the only ones there!

and last night, our first night in Venice, we decided to take advantage of a 20% discount by eating dinner at our hotel. the food, the wine, the atmosphere were all perfect. there was even a lounge act to set the mood. who knew after all these years that the real words to Cyndi Lauper's famous hit are, "and I see your TWO colors... shining through... TWO colors... and that's why i loooove you…” i think this will be my wedding song one day.



after dinner we went to Piazza San Marco where we actually did take in some serious romance. a battle of the bands, if you will, between the various outdoor cafes.




it was really cool. we kicked back with our Tizianos and let it all sink in.

by the end of the night I realized something. all these canoodling couples have nothing on us! liz and i know romance. and our future husbands are totally screwed cause our real honeymoons will have a lot to live up to!

driving miss daisy aka guidando signorina daisy

when liz and i decided to drive across italy she automatically got stuck with the actual driving responsibilities. i conveniently can't drive stick plus i let my driver's license lapse. so i took on the role of "navigator".

i thought i'd get ahead of the game and mapquest out our journey. anyone who has used mapquest to get around foreign countries knows that it can really only get you within the general vicinity of where you're trying to end up. the rest is based on luck, psychic prowess, and prayer.

a few highlights from our periwinkle macchina:

DAY 1
after driving all around the city of Como we finally see a sign pointing us towards our hotel. the relief of locating it is quickly replaced with anxiety as the hotel parking lot is like a maze for smart cars. after no sleep and no coffee, liz has to maneuver our car into a microscopic space. we have a minor "incidente" as i encourage liz to keep pulling backwards "you're good you're good... ooops". we hit a pillar. hopefully the scratches will blend with the other ones we never reported when we picked up the car in the first place.



DAY 2
we drive aimlessly around the town of Erba to find "the best gelato" according to my Knopf Mapguide (this name is misleading as the only maps are of general areas in and around Como). locating this gelateria is not going to be easy, but we're hungry women with a mission. luck is finally on our side (or perhaps the laws of probability as we have driven through the town about 3 times) and we happen upon the gelateria and celebrate. after our sugar high we feel confident to drive to Bellagio. the streets are tiny and snake every which way, but again - we are determined. halfway there, we get pulled over at a roadside block by the Carabinieri (Polizia!). the little old man will only speak to us in rapid Italian. i make the mistake of saying, "non abbiamo capito!" (we don't understand!) so now he thinks i'm fluent. he adamantly repeats himself over and over again. he needs our libretto. which means little book. we hand him every possible little book we can think of including the driving manual, car rental agreement, and our passports, but apparently none of these are the libretto he's so insistent about seeing. he repeats himself louder: "libretto! libretto!" no clue, buddy. finally, he gives up. he shrugs and says with a smile, "hasta la vista!"

DAY 3
after hanging out with the monks who make liquor, we head into the city of Como for a little shopping and dinner. after a few wrong turns, we realize we are headed back towards Bellagio (this looks awfully familiar... aw crap!) and have to make a stressful K turn in the middle of a windy mountain road. once we finally arrive in the city of Como our next stress is to find parking. i see something up on the left and excitedly announce it to Liz who thinks i mean to turn right then and there. we end up in a space big enough to hold us prisoner with a gate in front of us we cannot pass through, a chain link fence on our left so we can't turn around, and the only way out is to back up into traffic we can't see.



after laughing for 10 minutes straight, liz gets up the courage to back into crazy italian traffic and continue the search for a parking space. we make it into the absolute center of Como (are we even allowed to drive in here??) and spy a man pulling out of a parking space! the space is tighter than any we have previously encountered. we back in and out and in and out, hoping a miracle will get us into the space. suddenly, a little old man runs up to our car, spewing out something in italian while smiling and laughing. is he making fun of us?? "non ti offeso, ma..." ok, we get it now... he didn't want to offend us, but he can park the car better than we can. liz bails out of the car and before i know what's going on i'm witnessing parking in its finest art form. he's right. he can definitely park the car better than we can.

DAY 4
it's time to leave Como and get on the road towards Rapallo. i break out my mapquest directions and from the getgo, i send us the wrong way. of course i don't even notice because the scenery is so pretty and i have no idea which direction is north or south anyway. i finally spot a sign pointing in the opposite direction towards Milano and a lightbulb goes off. we turn around and head back the way we are supposed to be going. after a pit stop at AutoGrill (you don't know what you're missing) we are on a roll. and all goes well for 90% of the journey until we get to the exit for Rapallo. my mapquest directions are a joke. there is no way to decipher these. so i decide to use my woman's intuition. not only do i have liz make like 3 wrong turns, but then i do the ultimate. i suggest we make a right instead of a left and suddenly we're back on the Autostrada and can't turn around for another 30 minutes. at this point i realize it's time to demote myself from navigator to passenger. and for the rest of the trip, liz can drive and i will keep my mouth shut.

The Journey Starts Here...

ciao tutti,

today i finally have internet access but only for 10 minutes and counting. i feel like i'm playing beat the clock as i try to post some highlights from my trip so far. where to begin??

liz and i landed in Milan and picked up our spiffy rental car from Europcar (after standing on the wrong line for 15 minutes at Europa - a different rental agency. already the brain is not functioning properly). as we drove off in our somewhat shady car it became apparent that we'd gotten a lemon. but too late to report it of course. our radio is basically haunted and will only turn off if the car itself is off. and the glove compartment is in a constant open position. someone tried to MacGuyver it shut with a piece of duct tape but it did not stick (quite literally). behind me, the back seat will not stay in place so the car seems to be attacking me from both ends. the back seat trying to smush me from behind and the glove compartment hanging dangerously open in front of me. to add to the excitement, almost every road around Lake Como is a 2-lane road that can only fit one car. it's been a wild ride so far!

our first day we drove through a town called Faggetto. which got me wondering. was this perhaps a ghetto for gay men? or more along the lines of a town where everyone tends to "Faggetabout it." before i could take my deep thought too far we drove through Pusiano and Dongo which stirred up a whole other thought pattern... some Amish PA towns came straight to mind.

while we ate at a restaurant yesterday on our way to buy liquor from monks, Liz and i shared breadsticks that were called Fagioloso. which linked back to the new language i was already creating in my head. could something be Fagtastic? or Faglicious? maybe just Fagulous.

as i am continuing to lose all sense of right and wrong, i am also losing some of my english already. and bringing back words i haven't used since the 80s. the other day Liz used to word, "turd." now I am finding any excuse possible to throw “turd” into sentences. “Watch out for that turd on the sidewalk!” “That waiter was acting like such a turd!” “I feel like turd today.” turd is a gem that has been dormant for too long! if I can have any impact from Italy to my American friends it is to encourage you to use turd in a sentence this week. let’s bring back turd! are you with me?

before you lose all respect for me and the purpose of my journey, let me mention that Lake Como is absolutely gorgeous. our hotel is lovely and our room looks directly onto the lake. our first night here we were hit on by one of the waiters in the hotel who went around telling all the other patrons that Liz and I were his wives. he asked us if he could take us out dancing or for drinks. i am starting to see a pattern in my life. last time Liz and I were on a trip together we were hit on as a “pair”. this does not bode well for the remainder of my trip.

our first full day at Lake Como we drove to some town in the middle of nowhere because we read they had good gelato. i am clearly ignoring my dairy allergy so far. thankfully, yesterday we road tripped to the Monastery where we bought distilled liqueur for digestive ailments. last night we added a few drops to our water glasses and Voila! it worked. these monks sure know a thing or two about distilling their liquor!

in a few minutes we are about to head off on our road trip to Rapallo on the Italian Riviera. hopefully we will come across a few people who are less than twice our age. fingers crossed!

ps. by next post hopefully I will have figured out how to upload pictures!

pompino pompino pompino!

have you ever noticed how certain words make you cringe and others roll off the tongue without a second thought? it always used to amaze me how a combination of only a few letters could make someone laugh, cry, or become offended. and those are the words we intend to say. but what happens when you are learning a new language and make the simple mistake of inverting a few letters or mispronouncing a word ever so slightly...?

i have been studying italian for a little over a year and have somehow managed to offend and horrify a handful of people with my accidental dyslexia. although the other students make their mistakes here and there nobody has mastered the art of the foreign freudian slip quite like me.

during my first trip to italy i was talking (rather loudly) to an italian waiter and telling him how much i just loved the veal meatballs i had eaten the previous night. at least, that's what i thought i was telling him. the word i meant to say was polpette and i somehow squeezed out pompino. which means blow job. yes, i announced loudly to a roomful of italians that i LOVED blow jobs.

my mastering of the perverted slip didn't stop there. during italian class one day i was trying to tell my teacher about the time that i had found a $20 bill in the back of a cab. the past tense of i discovered is ho scoperto. but i said ho scopato. which meant that i had sex with a $20 bill in the back of a cab. but not just regular sex. dirty vulgar sex. to make it worse, he said it actually sounded more like i was a prostitute who let someone have their way with me for $20. so i wasn't just a slut. i was a cheap slut to boot!

but don't you worry. i don't keep these language blunders all to myself. i pass them along to the people i love. i was back in italy in april and was trying to teach my friend the difference between fico and figa. fico is fig. figa is vagina. my friend went to dinner without me one night and proudly asked the waitress for some vagina marmalade. which, of course, was not on the menu.

why do my friends and i only mix up words that make us sound like pervs? i'll have to check with my therapist on that one. but i have a feeling it's just the universe getting a good ole laugh. this october i'm returning to italy for a whole month. i can't wait to see how many more people my friends and i can offend with the accidental rearrangement of a few simple letters. the possibilities are endless...