ain't no cupola high enough

mia madre e mio padre have had me eating my way through Roma just as i had expected (and secretly hoped). every day there is the mandatory gelato stop (sometimes twice in one day) and every step we climb we calculate aloud that we have burned off another spoonful. of course, we're completely lying to ourselves but it feels good to pretend that we can eat without consequence.

yesterday i would've sworn i dropped five pounds after we walked over to the Vatican and climbed the Cupola (dome of Saint Peter's Basilica). they have signs all over the place warning you that after the elevator brings you up as high as it goes you must walk 320 steps to the top. i have to be honest. i was a little nervous for my parents (both older than they'd like to admit and than anyone could tell by looking at them). but as we got closer and closer to beginning the climb i started to feel more nervous for yours truly. after 10 days of walking 6 hours a day (yes, you'd think i would've actually lost weight after all this walking but i have not. trust me) my feet are experiencing all sorts of aches and pains. what if i was the one who made it part-way up the Cupola only to beg for someone to carry me back down?? thankfully the few times i hit the stairmaster had more than prepared me for the climb. and once we reached the top it was well worth it.



my parents are leaving early monday morning and jackie arrives for the last few days of my italian adventure on thursday. i'm excited to go back to the Vatican and to see many of the sites of Rome for the 2nd, 3rd and even 4th times. it truly does not get old (which is quite ironic if you think about it).

today my mom and i dragged my poor unsuspecting father all over Rome on somewhat of a shopping expedition. sure, we stopped at the Pantheon and the Trevi Fountain along the way (or i should say we ate pizza on the way to the Pantheon and went to the San Crispino Gelateria after seeing the Trevi Fountain. let's get the Gallinas' priorities straight), but it was still a tad bit of torture for my pops.

the best find of our whole day of shopping was in the DVD section of a local tourist trap:



if you've been reading my blog, you know why this is relevant to my life. and if you haven't here is an incentive to catch up on my trip!

tonight we're meeting up with my friends, The Millingtons, for a fancy schmancy dinner at Il Convivio. a restaurant with a doorbell and an extra seat for your purse. as much as i'd like to pretend all this eating is soooo not me we all know the truth. so for my last 10 days in Rome i will continue to enjoy the gluttony. and when i'm back in NY you might see me climbing the stairmaster with my eyes closed - pretending it's just another cupola.

Me and Roma 4 Ever

well, jessica left me on monday after a whirlwind of sightseeing, eating, and lots of wine.



after our quasi-tearful goodbye it dawned on me that i feel like i'm on one of those reality shows where the people i've bonded with keep getting voted off and i'm left on my own once again. of course, i miss jessica dearly, but now that the 'rents have shown up i have plenty on my plate again (quite literally).

last night we did a wine tasting tour in my neighborhood. the young woman who took us around was a spitting image of jennifer aniston (the picture does not do it justice)



and a complete rock star when it came to explaining wine. the 4 varieties she chose for us were all delicious and if there is enough room in my suitcase i will bring some back. speaking of coming back... i'm not. ever. i'm staying here. okay, i'm not really staying here, but i wish i could. my block is the quintessential neighborhood block with the hustle and bustle of a happening little street. the same cast of characters are outside every day and people are starting to recognize me. it's funny cause our wine expert (heather) also lives in my 'hood. last night she asked me if i know "the makeup lady". and i DO! she's one of the crazies who wanders up and down my street with her face painted all sorts of bizarre colors. apparently she used to be a successful artist and has since lost it (clearly). as sad as her story was, i couldn't be more excited that i actually know the local weirdos! a little over a week and i've never felt so much a part of any neighborhood before (and i've lived in the same apartment on 24th street for over 5 years!).

although the thought of staying on this street forever is extremely appealing, i don't exactly have a way to make cash and would probably end up wandering the streets as some other neighborhood freak. maybe i'd be "the lady who wears her underwear over her clothes." since sticking around isn't exactly realistic, i have found a new fantasy. i will return to Rome every year and stay on this street in this very apartment. and, that will suffice for now...

when in Rome (i know it's cliche but i had to do it)

jessica and i have had some seriously packed days since she arrived last week. i can't believe her trip is already over and at the same time i feel like we've been here for a month. every day in Rome has been full of gelato, plenty of vino, lots of mangled italian, way too much shopping, and walking til our feet felt like they were going to fall off. and, naturally, we've taken our fair share of self-portraits.



we've hit up a few of the touristic sites but have mostly been taking advantage of the Roman way of life. something i noticed the other day is how walking across the street is a group effort. sure there is the occasional cross walk when traffic actually stops but for the most part you have to walk to a pedestrian street crossing and pray that you'll make it over to the other side. jessica and i began the habit of choosing our street crossing partners. which is like picking a team in gym class. i'm a fan of the family with children or my personal favorite: nuns. when the nuns decide to stride through Roman traffic the wise thing to do is to follow. i don't know if it's blind faith or the thought of eternal damnation for anyone that jeopardizes their safety, but they seem to be the most successful at stopping traffic. so to any of you who come to Rome and panic at the thought of crossing a busy intersection i suggest you look out for a few of The Sisters.

on friday night jessica and i went out to an incredible dinner in an outdoor courtyard (Santa Lucia) where we ate the best tiramisu either of us had ever had before. the waiter loved us and asked if we wanted to meet up later at a bar called Della Pace. we're not sure if he got upset with the crummy 10EU tip we left him (i still have no clue how to tip properly here) or if he saw us with our new friends, but he never showed up. instead, jessica simply smiled at 2 italian men and suddenly we had entertainment for the rest of the evening.



we couldn't decide if antonio and gianluca were a gay couple or just very affectionate italian men (turns out it's the latter) but we had a lot of fun with them. after a bottle of wine, 2 glasses of vin santo, and a shot that looked like a candle jessica was drawn to a man selling singing and dancing stuffed animals and for the bargain price of 15EU secured two of them. who we brought along with us for the remainder of the night and she kept referring to as her "figlie" (children).



antonio and gianluca told us they had to take us to a bar that had the best bathroom ever which sounded like a weird pickup line, but then we got there and realized it was definitely true. yes, these are pictures of an actual bathroom:




on saturday night we met up with matteo who took us out in San Lorenzo to my favorite sketchy bar called Teddy's where we had dolce shots and drank beer on the street. he also taught us the difference between calzini (little socks) and cazzini (little penises).

today we wandered into the longest market ever in Trastevere filled with mostly junk ( jessica referred to it as a mile long length of crap) where we had to pass through a really tight squeeze and some man molested me (i guess it was bound to happen at some point). we finally escaped the chaos of the market only to get lost in a parking lot. eventually we found our way and headed back over to Campo dei Fiori for lunch where we ran into a guy we know from one of the stores in our neighborhood. it's funny how only being here one week we keep seeing the same people all over town. i already feel like one of the regulars.

after lunch we went back to the cat shelter (cats of the colosseum) where jessica has all but talked me into adopting a cat. i've never owned a cat in my life (you know me. i'm a dog person!) but i swear i am in love with these cats.



today i looked for Erice, the one that stole my heart. she was sleeping somewhere amidst the ruins so i'll have to go back if i'm actually serious about this. i'm thinking about taking a poll. if anyone is actually reading my blog can you please tell me whether or not you think i should adopt a Roman cat and bring it back home??

if you want to make a donation or check out their web site here it is:
http://romancats.com/index_eng.php

in a few hours Jessica and i will go out for our last dinner together on my street. there is a cute wine bar called Piccolo that we'll hit up first and then hopefully grab dinner at Cul de Sac. tomorrow morning she leaves me and i have a day to myself before the 'rents show up. so maybe tomorrow i'll have a mini day of detox before wasting away in gelatoville.

Home-a In-a Roma

well, the eagle has landed. i'm now onto Part Due (doo-ay) of my italian adventure.

my last night with Liz (monday) we ate a lovely meal together near the Hotel Igea. (which, is the best hotel in Venice. great location and good vibe. plus we love the front desk guy, Tomaso! if you ever go to Venice, stay there and make sure you befriend him. even though he is in the midst of picking out curtains for his apartment he swears, "I-ah not-ah gay!"). Tomaso had recommended a place for dinner, but we forgot to ask him how to get there and yet we accidentally happened upon it anyway. Il Giardinetto. meal was delish as usual, but the place closed down before we finished our botteglia di vino. after getting about a thousand dirty looks from the waiters i finally asked if they had plastic cups so we could take our vino on the road. they couldn't be happier to oblige and get us out of there so we took our wine TO GO and headed to a small ponte where we drank, chatted, and took self portraits of course.



i realized Liz is my muse so if my blog gets boring and is not longer funny you know why.

the next day we hopped on a plane together to Rome. liz continued home and i landed here. cool aside: we were on the same plane with (and sitting one row in front of) the guy who was on jeopardy for the most consecutive days. his name escapes me...

now in Roma, i must say i am one of the luckiest people on the planet. my apartment is on, perhaps, the best street on earth. Via del Governo Vecchio.



boutique shops, cafes, Da Buffetto (one of the most highly recommended pizzerias here), bars, etc. it all works out cause now that i'm getting fatter and fatter i can keep eating and then buy myself new clothes immediately afterwards.

my apartment is really cool. it has wooden beamed ceilings and frescoes on the wall.



shortly after arriving here tues am i had my first Abbott and Costello interaction. when i got in, Charlotte, the woman who rented me the apartment, showed me every nook and crannie and explained how everything worked. the only problem was with the satellite TV which she was pretty sure had something to do with the actual cable box. she had asked the upstairs neighbor if she was having any problems with her TV and she wasn't so Charlotte decided to take away my cable box and come back later with a new one. she also mentioned that occasionally people will ring the buzzer to be let into the building and i should just ignore them. no problema. so, i started unpacking and getting settled in the apartment when i hear my doorbell ring. i totally ignore Charlotte's advice and decide to open the door. on the other side is a woman around my age. she asks if i speak Italian and i answer, "un po". she says something about the televisore. so now i take a quantum leap and decide she must be my upstairs neighbor and now she is also having problems with her TV. i try to explain that a woman took away my television. which sounds like someone stole it and ran off with it. she keeps using words i don't understand and then name drops someone who i assume is the owner of the apartment i'm renting. i realize we are definitely having two very different conversations about a television set but i truly have no idea what she's trying to figure out from me. we even bust out my Italian-English dictionary and really can't communicate at all. i end the conversation with, "mi dispiace!" (i'm sorry!) and she laughs at me and says goodbye before heading off frustrated. i had thought i knew enough Italian to get by and now i realize i know enough Italian to order two cappucinos, get train tickets, and pay my dinner check. actual conversation... not so much.

but i will survive. jess is here now and yesterday we went to Campo dei Fiori and bought all our own groceries so we (she) could cook us an incredible dinner.



being here has been great so far. the only downside is that the picture on the shower wall (yes, there is a picture in the shower) is of a big fat naked woman's rear.



one of the only two mirrors in my apartment is across from the shower so while i am cleansing i get to look at her fat naked butt and compare it to my own. which is not a pretty picture whatsoever. thankfully i intend to walk everywhere while i'm here. especially to all the gelaterias. so it should just about even out in the end.

Water Taxis, Trains, and Autobuses

although the majority of my trip is in and around Italy, liz had a cool idea that we should pop on over to Croatia for a bit. now in climate of peace, it’s a tourist haven for europeans. plus it's practically just across the water from Venice.

however, getting there wasn't exactly as easy as we thought it'd be. turns out, there aren't any more ferries between Venice and Opatija at this time of year. after a few moments of panic (one of the tourist agents here told us she didn't know any way for us to get there), liz and I stumbled across a much more helpful woman who happened to be Croatian. it wouldn't be as simple as hopping on a ferry, but it was feasible. thank god. so we woke up at the butt crack of dawn on saturday morning and began our adventure. it started with a half hour ride on a water bus from outside of our hotel to the train station in Venice. then we took a two hour train ride from Venice to Trieste. at this point we both had to use the bagni (bathrooms) VERY badly. imagine my horror when i finally got into a stall and there was no toilet seat. just a hole in the ground. i know plenty of people who have had this experience, but this was a first for me. i like to think that it simply added to the adventure of the moment. after regressing back to what i imagine the cavewomen used to do, liz and i took a two hour bus ride from Trieste directly into Opatija. once we arrived, we knew it was well worth the journey.



Opatija is beautiful. picturesque, relaxing, heavenly. and the people are adorable. one young woman was talking to us about how she had a chance to live in NY and Pennsylvania during an exchange program. she said that she used to watch tons of american movies and noticed how when someone was depressed they always seemed to be sitting around with a pint of ice cream and a spoon. she thought, "yeah right - like they ALWAYS have ice cream just sitting around in their freezer. then i got to America and i realized - you do!"

we had a nice time in Opatija. we took advantage of the wellness spa in our hotel (only $50 for a one hour massage!) drank wine that was called something like Slutina while sitting on the water...



and pigged out for liz's birthday (which was yesterday). they even delivered a surprise birthday cake to our room which i decided to eat even though i'd already had a full 3 course meal and dessert.




i haven't stopped eating since i got here. i was joking before i left that i'd probably come back 1,000 pounds heavier and i'm well on my way. clothing is getting tighter and tighter, but i am enjoying myself thoroughly. I LOVE FOOD. especially italian food. in a little while, liz and i are going to have our last dinner together in Venice (we came back this morning). tomorrow Liz heads back to the states and i head off to Rome for the next two-thirds of my Italian adventure.

the other night I was thinking about all of the fun times liz and i had together on this trip and some of the highlights we’ve shared. a personal favorite that I never wrote about happened when we were in Rapallo.

we were both pretty wiped out and had a bit of a lazy day, taking our time getting ready to go out for dinner that night. i had dibs on the first shower. the actual shower was a tiny rectangular box that reminded me of that game show in the 80s when people would get into a tiny clear booth and have to grab as much money as they could while it blew around them. except there was no prospect of instant wealth in this situation, only a prize of cleanliness. which, was worth the effort.

i could barely move my arms around to lather up properly and I kept getting water in my eyes, but I pushed through. by the time I got out of the shower I needed to rest before going into full on blow-dry mode (which, if you know me well enough, you know it is an ordeal in itself). so i relaxed with a little RAI TV as liz took her turn in the shower coffin.

i was zoning out a bit when the room phone started ringing. “hello?” “hello is everything okay?” “uh… yeah…” “we got an alarm signal from your bathroom. are you sure everything is okay?” at this point I’m thinking there must be some sort of language barrier because how could they have an alarm from the bathroom? i’m like, “uh… yeah i’m sure. thanks. bye bye.” and i go back to watching TV and then it dawns on me. liz.

i walk over to knock on the bathroom door and the first thing i notice is the digital display that usually has the room temperature on it now says, “HELP!” in all caps. i call for liz to make sure she’s okay, which of course, she is. and i tell her that we got a call from downstairs because they got an alarm signal from our bathroom and next thing i hear is liz giggling hysterically.

in our teeny tiny shower there was a big string hanging from the wall. in liz’s defense, it was completely unmarked. she thought it was the way to turn the shower on so (in her own words) she was practically swinging on the thing and nothing was happening. well, she thought nothing was happening. clearly, she was sending out a signal to the whole hotel that we had arrived.

our 10 days have been filled with lots of gelato and lots of laughter. so many great things memories! now for me... it's onto Roma...

the adventure continues...

the honeymooners

when liz and i booked our vacation it dawned on us that this would be the most romantic trip either of us had ever been on. it was basically a honeymoon. Lake Como, the Italian Riviera, Venice!? now we could've been depressed and frustrated to be in these super romantic places with each other instead of someone we were actually attracted to... but not us. we decided to embrace the romance.

Como was a destination for couples celebrating anniversaries, reigniting the passion, or starting their lives together. by our last night in Como, the romance bug had bitten us. it was time to give into the beauty that surrounded us. we decided to have dinner right on the lake. we location scouted the perfect restaurant with water views, ordered up 2 glasses of red wine, some taglietelle bolognese and lasagna and took it all in. within moments, the waiter brought over watery red wine, microwaveable meals in plastic trays and some stale bread. my heart fluttered.



after our incredible meal, we went to the highly recommended Villa D'Este for a cocktail. i would say this is probably THE MOST romantic hotel around Como for people who are truly rolling in it. we put on our best dresses and tried to blend in at the bar. which, of course, we didn't since we were the only same sex "couple" in the room. after getting our glasses of 18EU prosecco (that's per person) the piano player started serenading us with tunes like Human Nature, the Theme from Ice Castles, and my personal favorite: Chariots of Fire. talk about romantic!

the next day when we arrived at our hotel in Rapallo we were encouraged by the front desk clerk to make reservations for dinner at their Roof Garden restaurant with "breathtaking views of the Riviera." we got all prettied up and headed into the restaurant to have it even more romantic than we could've hoped for. we were the only ones there!

and last night, our first night in Venice, we decided to take advantage of a 20% discount by eating dinner at our hotel. the food, the wine, the atmosphere were all perfect. there was even a lounge act to set the mood. who knew after all these years that the real words to Cyndi Lauper's famous hit are, "and I see your TWO colors... shining through... TWO colors... and that's why i loooove you…” i think this will be my wedding song one day.



after dinner we went to Piazza San Marco where we actually did take in some serious romance. a battle of the bands, if you will, between the various outdoor cafes.




it was really cool. we kicked back with our Tizianos and let it all sink in.

by the end of the night I realized something. all these canoodling couples have nothing on us! liz and i know romance. and our future husbands are totally screwed cause our real honeymoons will have a lot to live up to!

driving miss daisy aka guidando signorina daisy

when liz and i decided to drive across italy she automatically got stuck with the actual driving responsibilities. i conveniently can't drive stick plus i let my driver's license lapse. so i took on the role of "navigator".

i thought i'd get ahead of the game and mapquest out our journey. anyone who has used mapquest to get around foreign countries knows that it can really only get you within the general vicinity of where you're trying to end up. the rest is based on luck, psychic prowess, and prayer.

a few highlights from our periwinkle macchina:

DAY 1
after driving all around the city of Como we finally see a sign pointing us towards our hotel. the relief of locating it is quickly replaced with anxiety as the hotel parking lot is like a maze for smart cars. after no sleep and no coffee, liz has to maneuver our car into a microscopic space. we have a minor "incidente" as i encourage liz to keep pulling backwards "you're good you're good... ooops". we hit a pillar. hopefully the scratches will blend with the other ones we never reported when we picked up the car in the first place.



DAY 2
we drive aimlessly around the town of Erba to find "the best gelato" according to my Knopf Mapguide (this name is misleading as the only maps are of general areas in and around Como). locating this gelateria is not going to be easy, but we're hungry women with a mission. luck is finally on our side (or perhaps the laws of probability as we have driven through the town about 3 times) and we happen upon the gelateria and celebrate. after our sugar high we feel confident to drive to Bellagio. the streets are tiny and snake every which way, but again - we are determined. halfway there, we get pulled over at a roadside block by the Carabinieri (Polizia!). the little old man will only speak to us in rapid Italian. i make the mistake of saying, "non abbiamo capito!" (we don't understand!) so now he thinks i'm fluent. he adamantly repeats himself over and over again. he needs our libretto. which means little book. we hand him every possible little book we can think of including the driving manual, car rental agreement, and our passports, but apparently none of these are the libretto he's so insistent about seeing. he repeats himself louder: "libretto! libretto!" no clue, buddy. finally, he gives up. he shrugs and says with a smile, "hasta la vista!"

DAY 3
after hanging out with the monks who make liquor, we head into the city of Como for a little shopping and dinner. after a few wrong turns, we realize we are headed back towards Bellagio (this looks awfully familiar... aw crap!) and have to make a stressful K turn in the middle of a windy mountain road. once we finally arrive in the city of Como our next stress is to find parking. i see something up on the left and excitedly announce it to Liz who thinks i mean to turn right then and there. we end up in a space big enough to hold us prisoner with a gate in front of us we cannot pass through, a chain link fence on our left so we can't turn around, and the only way out is to back up into traffic we can't see.



after laughing for 10 minutes straight, liz gets up the courage to back into crazy italian traffic and continue the search for a parking space. we make it into the absolute center of Como (are we even allowed to drive in here??) and spy a man pulling out of a parking space! the space is tighter than any we have previously encountered. we back in and out and in and out, hoping a miracle will get us into the space. suddenly, a little old man runs up to our car, spewing out something in italian while smiling and laughing. is he making fun of us?? "non ti offeso, ma..." ok, we get it now... he didn't want to offend us, but he can park the car better than we can. liz bails out of the car and before i know what's going on i'm witnessing parking in its finest art form. he's right. he can definitely park the car better than we can.

DAY 4
it's time to leave Como and get on the road towards Rapallo. i break out my mapquest directions and from the getgo, i send us the wrong way. of course i don't even notice because the scenery is so pretty and i have no idea which direction is north or south anyway. i finally spot a sign pointing in the opposite direction towards Milano and a lightbulb goes off. we turn around and head back the way we are supposed to be going. after a pit stop at AutoGrill (you don't know what you're missing) we are on a roll. and all goes well for 90% of the journey until we get to the exit for Rapallo. my mapquest directions are a joke. there is no way to decipher these. so i decide to use my woman's intuition. not only do i have liz make like 3 wrong turns, but then i do the ultimate. i suggest we make a right instead of a left and suddenly we're back on the Autostrada and can't turn around for another 30 minutes. at this point i realize it's time to demote myself from navigator to passenger. and for the rest of the trip, liz can drive and i will keep my mouth shut.

The Journey Starts Here...

ciao tutti,

today i finally have internet access but only for 10 minutes and counting. i feel like i'm playing beat the clock as i try to post some highlights from my trip so far. where to begin??

liz and i landed in Milan and picked up our spiffy rental car from Europcar (after standing on the wrong line for 15 minutes at Europa - a different rental agency. already the brain is not functioning properly). as we drove off in our somewhat shady car it became apparent that we'd gotten a lemon. but too late to report it of course. our radio is basically haunted and will only turn off if the car itself is off. and the glove compartment is in a constant open position. someone tried to MacGuyver it shut with a piece of duct tape but it did not stick (quite literally). behind me, the back seat will not stay in place so the car seems to be attacking me from both ends. the back seat trying to smush me from behind and the glove compartment hanging dangerously open in front of me. to add to the excitement, almost every road around Lake Como is a 2-lane road that can only fit one car. it's been a wild ride so far!

our first day we drove through a town called Faggetto. which got me wondering. was this perhaps a ghetto for gay men? or more along the lines of a town where everyone tends to "Faggetabout it." before i could take my deep thought too far we drove through Pusiano and Dongo which stirred up a whole other thought pattern... some Amish PA towns came straight to mind.

while we ate at a restaurant yesterday on our way to buy liquor from monks, Liz and i shared breadsticks that were called Fagioloso. which linked back to the new language i was already creating in my head. could something be Fagtastic? or Faglicious? maybe just Fagulous.

as i am continuing to lose all sense of right and wrong, i am also losing some of my english already. and bringing back words i haven't used since the 80s. the other day Liz used to word, "turd." now I am finding any excuse possible to throw “turd” into sentences. “Watch out for that turd on the sidewalk!” “That waiter was acting like such a turd!” “I feel like turd today.” turd is a gem that has been dormant for too long! if I can have any impact from Italy to my American friends it is to encourage you to use turd in a sentence this week. let’s bring back turd! are you with me?

before you lose all respect for me and the purpose of my journey, let me mention that Lake Como is absolutely gorgeous. our hotel is lovely and our room looks directly onto the lake. our first night here we were hit on by one of the waiters in the hotel who went around telling all the other patrons that Liz and I were his wives. he asked us if he could take us out dancing or for drinks. i am starting to see a pattern in my life. last time Liz and I were on a trip together we were hit on as a “pair”. this does not bode well for the remainder of my trip.

our first full day at Lake Como we drove to some town in the middle of nowhere because we read they had good gelato. i am clearly ignoring my dairy allergy so far. thankfully, yesterday we road tripped to the Monastery where we bought distilled liqueur for digestive ailments. last night we added a few drops to our water glasses and Voila! it worked. these monks sure know a thing or two about distilling their liquor!

in a few minutes we are about to head off on our road trip to Rapallo on the Italian Riviera. hopefully we will come across a few people who are less than twice our age. fingers crossed!

ps. by next post hopefully I will have figured out how to upload pictures!

pompino pompino pompino!

have you ever noticed how certain words make you cringe and others roll off the tongue without a second thought? it always used to amaze me how a combination of only a few letters could make someone laugh, cry, or become offended. and those are the words we intend to say. but what happens when you are learning a new language and make the simple mistake of inverting a few letters or mispronouncing a word ever so slightly...?

i have been studying italian for a little over a year and have somehow managed to offend and horrify a handful of people with my accidental dyslexia. although the other students make their mistakes here and there nobody has mastered the art of the foreign freudian slip quite like me.

during my first trip to italy i was talking (rather loudly) to an italian waiter and telling him how much i just loved the veal meatballs i had eaten the previous night. at least, that's what i thought i was telling him. the word i meant to say was polpette and i somehow squeezed out pompino. which means blow job. yes, i announced loudly to a roomful of italians that i LOVED blow jobs.

my mastering of the perverted slip didn't stop there. during italian class one day i was trying to tell my teacher about the time that i had found a $20 bill in the back of a cab. the past tense of i discovered is ho scoperto. but i said ho scopato. which meant that i had sex with a $20 bill in the back of a cab. but not just regular sex. dirty vulgar sex. to make it worse, he said it actually sounded more like i was a prostitute who let someone have their way with me for $20. so i wasn't just a slut. i was a cheap slut to boot!

but don't you worry. i don't keep these language blunders all to myself. i pass them along to the people i love. i was back in italy in april and was trying to teach my friend the difference between fico and figa. fico is fig. figa is vagina. my friend went to dinner without me one night and proudly asked the waitress for some vagina marmalade. which, of course, was not on the menu.

why do my friends and i only mix up words that make us sound like pervs? i'll have to check with my therapist on that one. but i have a feeling it's just the universe getting a good ole laugh. this october i'm returning to italy for a whole month. i can't wait to see how many more people my friends and i can offend with the accidental rearrangement of a few simple letters. the possibilities are endless...