holier than thou... pulease

it's friday night in roma and jackie and i are getting ready to meet Heather (yes, the wine expert) for dinner. we've had a lot of fun since jackie arrived yesterday morning, but before she got here i had another night of good times with the millingtons. we ate at the highly acclaimed Maccheroni. and if you didn't believe me before about how i could make a living fixing menus, check out an excerpt from this ever-popular restaurant.


of course, i wondered how something would taste coming straight from the frying pant, but i decided to pass.

after dinner we went to my favorite local coffee hang for late night cappucinos (very american of us) and then to draw even more attention to ourselves, we started up a game of travel scrabble.



the millingtons play that any word in italian gets double points (so if you're on a triple word score you get double your triple word score - get it??). and truthfully i had the unfair advantage of learning italian for a year longer than they have so it should be no surprise that i kicked their culos. or i guess it's really culi for plural...

jackie arrived yesterday and we walked literally all over creation. today we hit up The Vatican where i realized that the whole purpose of our journey was for us to pray for forgiveness once we got inside.

when we arrived the line was double OC (as mich sheehan would say -- out of control). so, naturally, jackie and i cut it and then got mad at everyone else who tried to cut in front of us.

as if that wasn't "christian" enough, i had to take a picture of my favorite sign outside of the Vatican:



Jane Fonda and Richard Simmons, you are NOT welcome here!!!

i realized something today. most of the people trying to get into the Vatican were doing everything BUT observing the "christian" way of life. line cutters, pushers, shovers, picture ruiners, loud talkers, complainers... i found the irony quite amusing. which is probably why i fit right in.

i speaka italian

i can't believe i only have 7 days left in Rome. i've done so much since i've been here and yet the city is still full of so many surprises. every day i take out my handy map of Roma and explore a different route from point A to point B. each time finding another treasure.

speaking of treasures... i forgot to mention the trip my parents and i took to Assisi last week. i had been going on and on about how amazing Assisi was and so my mom arranged for us to take a day tour. as an aside: we'd never recommend this tour to anyone we actually like so don't ask us about it. we're still healing from the experience. however...

the views from Assisi are incredible:



although the real highlight was what happened on the way there. for some reason our tour stopped at a ceramic factory on the way to Assisi (we think our crazy guide must get some sort of kickback). they announced there would be a lottery and someone in our group would win a "big surprise!" i'm not sure how i knew i was going to win (the psychic in me), but i did. although i could never predict what i was going to find when i unwrapped my special prize:



giddyup!! now that i look at it again, it's not as hideous as it first appeared. maybe it's even a little cute. maybe i'm drunk. next time you're in my kitchen make sure to look out for it (not that you would have a chance in hell of missing it). it's a soap dish. or at least it will be when i get home.

on Saturday night we went out to Il Convivio with The Millingtons. i had been looking forward to this dinner since i booked my trip here. i had gone in april with lorraine and margaret and couldn't wait to get back. it is top of the line service for about 100EU per person which, by New York standards, isn't all that bad.

it started out so well. we had a nice table in a back room. and one of the appetizers was a personal favorite italian treat: fried zucchini flowers and mozzarella. unfortunately it all went downhill from there... jessica and i ordered the same dish. guinea hen. since both of ours came with raw foul on the plate we wondered if maybe this was some culinary delicacy we just didn't know about. was the possibility of getting salmonella poisoning supposed to add to our experience? we weren't going to complain until my mother and hunter (jessica's husband) compared notes on their lamb. both of their plates were cold. and then my dad chimed in. his fish was room temperature, too. was this normal? i was on the verge of making a decision about complaining to the waiter or not (i was basically the ambassador of our table. the only one who could speak full sentences in italian to the very italian waitstaff) when i sliced into a piece of my hen and saw a huge HAIR sticking out of it!

i called the water girl over and showed it to her. she promptly removed my plate and ran off with it. i then got the waiter's attention to tell him what happened, but he didn't actually see my plate or the hair. next thing i know, the chef has come out of the kitchen with my plate which has clearly been picked over and dissected. he points to a vein and tries to convince me that i was mistaken. i think i know the difference between a vein and a hair. not only that -- they had removed the "hair" or whatever it really was when they came back with the plate. now i was angry. and it takes a lot to get me angry.

egged on by my two sets of parents (jessica and hunter are my faux parents) they tell me it's now or never. if i'm going to really complain i have to go for it... and so i do...

i still can't believe i managed to have this conversation in 85% full blown italian, but i somehow explained to the head waiter that i had eaten there in april and had returned with my family for a special dinner. we were upset because their meals were cold and there was a hair in my food that had then be removed when it was shown to me again. he had an excuse for everything, but was very nice. i stood my ground and politely said it would mean a lot to us if they could do something, even if it was something small. we would really appreciate it.

and who knew? i guess i speak italian after all because my little discussion worked. when the bill came they not only knocked off my hairy meal, but also an additional 80EU of our bill. my two sets of parents couldn't have been more proud. and you know what? neither could i.

ain't no cupola high enough

mia madre e mio padre have had me eating my way through Roma just as i had expected (and secretly hoped). every day there is the mandatory gelato stop (sometimes twice in one day) and every step we climb we calculate aloud that we have burned off another spoonful. of course, we're completely lying to ourselves but it feels good to pretend that we can eat without consequence.

yesterday i would've sworn i dropped five pounds after we walked over to the Vatican and climbed the Cupola (dome of Saint Peter's Basilica). they have signs all over the place warning you that after the elevator brings you up as high as it goes you must walk 320 steps to the top. i have to be honest. i was a little nervous for my parents (both older than they'd like to admit and than anyone could tell by looking at them). but as we got closer and closer to beginning the climb i started to feel more nervous for yours truly. after 10 days of walking 6 hours a day (yes, you'd think i would've actually lost weight after all this walking but i have not. trust me) my feet are experiencing all sorts of aches and pains. what if i was the one who made it part-way up the Cupola only to beg for someone to carry me back down?? thankfully the few times i hit the stairmaster had more than prepared me for the climb. and once we reached the top it was well worth it.



my parents are leaving early monday morning and jackie arrives for the last few days of my italian adventure on thursday. i'm excited to go back to the Vatican and to see many of the sites of Rome for the 2nd, 3rd and even 4th times. it truly does not get old (which is quite ironic if you think about it).

today my mom and i dragged my poor unsuspecting father all over Rome on somewhat of a shopping expedition. sure, we stopped at the Pantheon and the Trevi Fountain along the way (or i should say we ate pizza on the way to the Pantheon and went to the San Crispino Gelateria after seeing the Trevi Fountain. let's get the Gallinas' priorities straight), but it was still a tad bit of torture for my pops.

the best find of our whole day of shopping was in the DVD section of a local tourist trap:



if you've been reading my blog, you know why this is relevant to my life. and if you haven't here is an incentive to catch up on my trip!

tonight we're meeting up with my friends, The Millingtons, for a fancy schmancy dinner at Il Convivio. a restaurant with a doorbell and an extra seat for your purse. as much as i'd like to pretend all this eating is soooo not me we all know the truth. so for my last 10 days in Rome i will continue to enjoy the gluttony. and when i'm back in NY you might see me climbing the stairmaster with my eyes closed - pretending it's just another cupola.

Me and Roma 4 Ever

well, jessica left me on monday after a whirlwind of sightseeing, eating, and lots of wine.



after our quasi-tearful goodbye it dawned on me that i feel like i'm on one of those reality shows where the people i've bonded with keep getting voted off and i'm left on my own once again. of course, i miss jessica dearly, but now that the 'rents have shown up i have plenty on my plate again (quite literally).

last night we did a wine tasting tour in my neighborhood. the young woman who took us around was a spitting image of jennifer aniston (the picture does not do it justice)



and a complete rock star when it came to explaining wine. the 4 varieties she chose for us were all delicious and if there is enough room in my suitcase i will bring some back. speaking of coming back... i'm not. ever. i'm staying here. okay, i'm not really staying here, but i wish i could. my block is the quintessential neighborhood block with the hustle and bustle of a happening little street. the same cast of characters are outside every day and people are starting to recognize me. it's funny cause our wine expert (heather) also lives in my 'hood. last night she asked me if i know "the makeup lady". and i DO! she's one of the crazies who wanders up and down my street with her face painted all sorts of bizarre colors. apparently she used to be a successful artist and has since lost it (clearly). as sad as her story was, i couldn't be more excited that i actually know the local weirdos! a little over a week and i've never felt so much a part of any neighborhood before (and i've lived in the same apartment on 24th street for over 5 years!).

although the thought of staying on this street forever is extremely appealing, i don't exactly have a way to make cash and would probably end up wandering the streets as some other neighborhood freak. maybe i'd be "the lady who wears her underwear over her clothes." since sticking around isn't exactly realistic, i have found a new fantasy. i will return to Rome every year and stay on this street in this very apartment. and, that will suffice for now...

when in Rome (i know it's cliche but i had to do it)

jessica and i have had some seriously packed days since she arrived last week. i can't believe her trip is already over and at the same time i feel like we've been here for a month. every day in Rome has been full of gelato, plenty of vino, lots of mangled italian, way too much shopping, and walking til our feet felt like they were going to fall off. and, naturally, we've taken our fair share of self-portraits.



we've hit up a few of the touristic sites but have mostly been taking advantage of the Roman way of life. something i noticed the other day is how walking across the street is a group effort. sure there is the occasional cross walk when traffic actually stops but for the most part you have to walk to a pedestrian street crossing and pray that you'll make it over to the other side. jessica and i began the habit of choosing our street crossing partners. which is like picking a team in gym class. i'm a fan of the family with children or my personal favorite: nuns. when the nuns decide to stride through Roman traffic the wise thing to do is to follow. i don't know if it's blind faith or the thought of eternal damnation for anyone that jeopardizes their safety, but they seem to be the most successful at stopping traffic. so to any of you who come to Rome and panic at the thought of crossing a busy intersection i suggest you look out for a few of The Sisters.

on friday night jessica and i went out to an incredible dinner in an outdoor courtyard (Santa Lucia) where we ate the best tiramisu either of us had ever had before. the waiter loved us and asked if we wanted to meet up later at a bar called Della Pace. we're not sure if he got upset with the crummy 10EU tip we left him (i still have no clue how to tip properly here) or if he saw us with our new friends, but he never showed up. instead, jessica simply smiled at 2 italian men and suddenly we had entertainment for the rest of the evening.



we couldn't decide if antonio and gianluca were a gay couple or just very affectionate italian men (turns out it's the latter) but we had a lot of fun with them. after a bottle of wine, 2 glasses of vin santo, and a shot that looked like a candle jessica was drawn to a man selling singing and dancing stuffed animals and for the bargain price of 15EU secured two of them. who we brought along with us for the remainder of the night and she kept referring to as her "figlie" (children).



antonio and gianluca told us they had to take us to a bar that had the best bathroom ever which sounded like a weird pickup line, but then we got there and realized it was definitely true. yes, these are pictures of an actual bathroom:




on saturday night we met up with matteo who took us out in San Lorenzo to my favorite sketchy bar called Teddy's where we had dolce shots and drank beer on the street. he also taught us the difference between calzini (little socks) and cazzini (little penises).

today we wandered into the longest market ever in Trastevere filled with mostly junk ( jessica referred to it as a mile long length of crap) where we had to pass through a really tight squeeze and some man molested me (i guess it was bound to happen at some point). we finally escaped the chaos of the market only to get lost in a parking lot. eventually we found our way and headed back over to Campo dei Fiori for lunch where we ran into a guy we know from one of the stores in our neighborhood. it's funny how only being here one week we keep seeing the same people all over town. i already feel like one of the regulars.

after lunch we went back to the cat shelter (cats of the colosseum) where jessica has all but talked me into adopting a cat. i've never owned a cat in my life (you know me. i'm a dog person!) but i swear i am in love with these cats.



today i looked for Erice, the one that stole my heart. she was sleeping somewhere amidst the ruins so i'll have to go back if i'm actually serious about this. i'm thinking about taking a poll. if anyone is actually reading my blog can you please tell me whether or not you think i should adopt a Roman cat and bring it back home??

if you want to make a donation or check out their web site here it is:
http://romancats.com/index_eng.php

in a few hours Jessica and i will go out for our last dinner together on my street. there is a cute wine bar called Piccolo that we'll hit up first and then hopefully grab dinner at Cul de Sac. tomorrow morning she leaves me and i have a day to myself before the 'rents show up. so maybe tomorrow i'll have a mini day of detox before wasting away in gelatoville.

Home-a In-a Roma

well, the eagle has landed. i'm now onto Part Due (doo-ay) of my italian adventure.

my last night with Liz (monday) we ate a lovely meal together near the Hotel Igea. (which, is the best hotel in Venice. great location and good vibe. plus we love the front desk guy, Tomaso! if you ever go to Venice, stay there and make sure you befriend him. even though he is in the midst of picking out curtains for his apartment he swears, "I-ah not-ah gay!"). Tomaso had recommended a place for dinner, but we forgot to ask him how to get there and yet we accidentally happened upon it anyway. Il Giardinetto. meal was delish as usual, but the place closed down before we finished our botteglia di vino. after getting about a thousand dirty looks from the waiters i finally asked if they had plastic cups so we could take our vino on the road. they couldn't be happier to oblige and get us out of there so we took our wine TO GO and headed to a small ponte where we drank, chatted, and took self portraits of course.



i realized Liz is my muse so if my blog gets boring and is not longer funny you know why.

the next day we hopped on a plane together to Rome. liz continued home and i landed here. cool aside: we were on the same plane with (and sitting one row in front of) the guy who was on jeopardy for the most consecutive days. his name escapes me...

now in Roma, i must say i am one of the luckiest people on the planet. my apartment is on, perhaps, the best street on earth. Via del Governo Vecchio.



boutique shops, cafes, Da Buffetto (one of the most highly recommended pizzerias here), bars, etc. it all works out cause now that i'm getting fatter and fatter i can keep eating and then buy myself new clothes immediately afterwards.

my apartment is really cool. it has wooden beamed ceilings and frescoes on the wall.



shortly after arriving here tues am i had my first Abbott and Costello interaction. when i got in, Charlotte, the woman who rented me the apartment, showed me every nook and crannie and explained how everything worked. the only problem was with the satellite TV which she was pretty sure had something to do with the actual cable box. she had asked the upstairs neighbor if she was having any problems with her TV and she wasn't so Charlotte decided to take away my cable box and come back later with a new one. she also mentioned that occasionally people will ring the buzzer to be let into the building and i should just ignore them. no problema. so, i started unpacking and getting settled in the apartment when i hear my doorbell ring. i totally ignore Charlotte's advice and decide to open the door. on the other side is a woman around my age. she asks if i speak Italian and i answer, "un po". she says something about the televisore. so now i take a quantum leap and decide she must be my upstairs neighbor and now she is also having problems with her TV. i try to explain that a woman took away my television. which sounds like someone stole it and ran off with it. she keeps using words i don't understand and then name drops someone who i assume is the owner of the apartment i'm renting. i realize we are definitely having two very different conversations about a television set but i truly have no idea what she's trying to figure out from me. we even bust out my Italian-English dictionary and really can't communicate at all. i end the conversation with, "mi dispiace!" (i'm sorry!) and she laughs at me and says goodbye before heading off frustrated. i had thought i knew enough Italian to get by and now i realize i know enough Italian to order two cappucinos, get train tickets, and pay my dinner check. actual conversation... not so much.

but i will survive. jess is here now and yesterday we went to Campo dei Fiori and bought all our own groceries so we (she) could cook us an incredible dinner.



being here has been great so far. the only downside is that the picture on the shower wall (yes, there is a picture in the shower) is of a big fat naked woman's rear.



one of the only two mirrors in my apartment is across from the shower so while i am cleansing i get to look at her fat naked butt and compare it to my own. which is not a pretty picture whatsoever. thankfully i intend to walk everywhere while i'm here. especially to all the gelaterias. so it should just about even out in the end.

Water Taxis, Trains, and Autobuses

although the majority of my trip is in and around Italy, liz had a cool idea that we should pop on over to Croatia for a bit. now in climate of peace, it’s a tourist haven for europeans. plus it's practically just across the water from Venice.

however, getting there wasn't exactly as easy as we thought it'd be. turns out, there aren't any more ferries between Venice and Opatija at this time of year. after a few moments of panic (one of the tourist agents here told us she didn't know any way for us to get there), liz and I stumbled across a much more helpful woman who happened to be Croatian. it wouldn't be as simple as hopping on a ferry, but it was feasible. thank god. so we woke up at the butt crack of dawn on saturday morning and began our adventure. it started with a half hour ride on a water bus from outside of our hotel to the train station in Venice. then we took a two hour train ride from Venice to Trieste. at this point we both had to use the bagni (bathrooms) VERY badly. imagine my horror when i finally got into a stall and there was no toilet seat. just a hole in the ground. i know plenty of people who have had this experience, but this was a first for me. i like to think that it simply added to the adventure of the moment. after regressing back to what i imagine the cavewomen used to do, liz and i took a two hour bus ride from Trieste directly into Opatija. once we arrived, we knew it was well worth the journey.



Opatija is beautiful. picturesque, relaxing, heavenly. and the people are adorable. one young woman was talking to us about how she had a chance to live in NY and Pennsylvania during an exchange program. she said that she used to watch tons of american movies and noticed how when someone was depressed they always seemed to be sitting around with a pint of ice cream and a spoon. she thought, "yeah right - like they ALWAYS have ice cream just sitting around in their freezer. then i got to America and i realized - you do!"

we had a nice time in Opatija. we took advantage of the wellness spa in our hotel (only $50 for a one hour massage!) drank wine that was called something like Slutina while sitting on the water...



and pigged out for liz's birthday (which was yesterday). they even delivered a surprise birthday cake to our room which i decided to eat even though i'd already had a full 3 course meal and dessert.




i haven't stopped eating since i got here. i was joking before i left that i'd probably come back 1,000 pounds heavier and i'm well on my way. clothing is getting tighter and tighter, but i am enjoying myself thoroughly. I LOVE FOOD. especially italian food. in a little while, liz and i are going to have our last dinner together in Venice (we came back this morning). tomorrow Liz heads back to the states and i head off to Rome for the next two-thirds of my Italian adventure.

the other night I was thinking about all of the fun times liz and i had together on this trip and some of the highlights we’ve shared. a personal favorite that I never wrote about happened when we were in Rapallo.

we were both pretty wiped out and had a bit of a lazy day, taking our time getting ready to go out for dinner that night. i had dibs on the first shower. the actual shower was a tiny rectangular box that reminded me of that game show in the 80s when people would get into a tiny clear booth and have to grab as much money as they could while it blew around them. except there was no prospect of instant wealth in this situation, only a prize of cleanliness. which, was worth the effort.

i could barely move my arms around to lather up properly and I kept getting water in my eyes, but I pushed through. by the time I got out of the shower I needed to rest before going into full on blow-dry mode (which, if you know me well enough, you know it is an ordeal in itself). so i relaxed with a little RAI TV as liz took her turn in the shower coffin.

i was zoning out a bit when the room phone started ringing. “hello?” “hello is everything okay?” “uh… yeah…” “we got an alarm signal from your bathroom. are you sure everything is okay?” at this point I’m thinking there must be some sort of language barrier because how could they have an alarm from the bathroom? i’m like, “uh… yeah i’m sure. thanks. bye bye.” and i go back to watching TV and then it dawns on me. liz.

i walk over to knock on the bathroom door and the first thing i notice is the digital display that usually has the room temperature on it now says, “HELP!” in all caps. i call for liz to make sure she’s okay, which of course, she is. and i tell her that we got a call from downstairs because they got an alarm signal from our bathroom and next thing i hear is liz giggling hysterically.

in our teeny tiny shower there was a big string hanging from the wall. in liz’s defense, it was completely unmarked. she thought it was the way to turn the shower on so (in her own words) she was practically swinging on the thing and nothing was happening. well, she thought nothing was happening. clearly, she was sending out a signal to the whole hotel that we had arrived.

our 10 days have been filled with lots of gelato and lots of laughter. so many great things memories! now for me... it's onto Roma...

the adventure continues...